Posts Tagged "NVC"

There’s only ONE way to load the dishwasher – MINE! (NVC-based conflict resolution in relationships)

The little things can create big problems This story is actually more about knives and whether or not they belong in the dishwasher. It was an ongoing “little thing” in my relationship with my husband that was causing some big problems. I believe they exist in most relationships – those little conflicts that are really challenging to work out, build up resentment, break down trust and…

Standing on the Shoulders of “Nonviolence” Giants

A Longing for Nonviolence and Peace I remember just last year consoling my 11-year-old daughter as she cried long and hard about all the things she saw happening in the world. Things like hunger, animal extinction, wars and terrorism. It was especially the violent parts that made her cry with despair. I listened and waited until she was ready to take part in a dialogue. Then…

From a Language of Criticism to one of Compassion and Connection

I was raised by loving parents. Of course they weren’t perfect, but I just can’t blame my problems on them. They did well and now as a parent I actually strive to be like them in most aspects. But I grew up in a broader culture of: “Want to be a good person? Be hard on yourself.” So I had a lot to unlearn and learn,…

Be Criticism-Resilient with NVC Skills

Did you ever receive scathing criticism from one of your clients, customers or students? And worse, that person cc’d your boss, without asking for your consent? If so, and if you’re anything like me, I guess you didn’t find it pleasant or easy. It very recently happened to me, and I wanted to handle it with grace and resiliency. My inner world was in a state…

The Comparison Trap . . . and getting out of it

I recently received this question from a woman I know: “I’d like some help dealing with the trap of comparing. I’ve been struggling under the weight of house envy. A friend has a new home with garden attached, and the arrival of summer weather threatens to steal all my usual joy in the season. I guess it sounds absolutely ridiculous and trivial, but it’s so real…

Reacting to Lying in Ways that Bring Connection

In my role as coach, mediator, trainer, I say upfront my clients that I don’t have the answers, don’t diagnose and won’t advise. I focus my work on helping others uncover their longings, help see what’s getting in the way (often deep-seated pattern of behavior), and set the stage for finding creative new strategies that fulfill longings. So it’s no surprise that this approach allows me…

How I deal with my teenager’s ‘disrespect’

(note: please forgive the brashness expressed in this article – my need for being with reality is bigger than any desire to be overly polite . . .) “Fuck you!” Those were the words that cut off my recent attempt-to-connect sentence coming out of my mouth: “Sweetie, let’s try talking abo-” As the door slammed behind my just-turned 13-year-old son, I tried picking my jaw off…

A Letter on behalf of our Relationship

The relationship request I wish I made years ago This year marks a quarter of a century since I first met and fell in love with my husband. As we’re from different cultures (I’m American, he’s Dutch), we’ve had a fair share of ups and downs for sure throughout our relationship. We have shown much love, trust and courage to each other which created countless moments…

How anger can help you connect

If you’re anything like the old me, you’re probably confused at the notion that anger can be anything but disconnecting. I grew up with the belief that anger wasn’t o.k. As a result, if I ever felt and showed my anger, shame and guilt tagged right along with it. It was indeed a very disconnecting process in which I experienced double conflict: self-blame for allowing anger…

Rediscovering Self-Connection

I am all too familiar with the theme of disconnection from myself. I don’t see it in a purely negative light, but something like this: As children, we want more than anything love, appreciation and acceptance for who we are. Yet the world around us tries to shape us into “proper” self-reliant individuals. Within our unique frameworks, we develop multiple strategies to get these and other…

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