6 October, 2017 I have lost a dear friend today. Just found out that she passed during the night, after a rather long battle with cancer. My first instinct was to search for distraction – to get away from my heavy emotions. But that felt like a disservice to this woman I loved. So I decided to feel instead. I began to sob heavily, grief-stricken by…
I’ve been looking at how to optimize our family vacations for the past several years. (See last year’s post, “Reduce conflict during family vacation!”) As our two kids are hitting their teenage years, it’s getting more challenging than ever to find win-win agreements and outcomes. How on earth can everyone be satisfied when we have very different wishes and needs? It seems impossible at times. Especially…
In my role as coach, mediator, trainer, I say upfront my clients that I don’t have the answers, don’t diagnose and won’t advise. I focus my work on helping others uncover their longings, help see what’s getting in the way (often deep-seated pattern of behavior), and set the stage for finding creative new strategies that fulfill longings. So it’s no surprise that this approach allows me…
(note: please forgive the brashness expressed in this article – my need for being with reality is bigger than any desire to be overly polite . . .) “Fuck you!” Those were the words that cut off my recent attempt-to-connect sentence coming out of my mouth: “Sweetie, let’s try talking abo-” As the door slammed behind my just-turned 13-year-old son, I tried picking my jaw off…
We’ve been down a long 25-year road in our relationship, with many skid marks as well as breathtaking vistas along the way. For me it’s culminated to this single guiding phrase: Your well-being is my well-being, and my well-being is your well-being. It didn’t catch on with me for the longest time. . . I was busy fighting for my position, my place, not really understanding…
I spent this summer vacation engaging in and attempting to observe family conflict. This “fieldwork” was challenging to say the least. It required me to take a helicopter view, even when I was emotionally involved. I set out to better understand why it is that we struggle to meet the essential extended holiday longings we all share, like: Why is it that despite each of us…
If you’re anything like the old me, you’re probably confused at the notion that anger can be anything but disconnecting. I grew up with the belief that anger wasn’t o.k. As a result, if I ever felt and showed my anger, shame and guilt tagged right along with it. It was indeed a very disconnecting process in which I experienced double conflict: self-blame for allowing anger…
I am all too familiar with the theme of disconnection from myself. I don’t see it in a purely negative light, but something like this: As children, we want more than anything love, appreciation and acceptance for who we are. Yet the world around us tries to shape us into “proper” self-reliant individuals. Within our unique frameworks, we develop multiple strategies to get these and other…
A friend once said to me, “Something is gained from every act of honest communication.” I recall my doubtful reaction. Yet I’m slowly learning he’s spot on. The trick is in how we define HONESTY. Being honest is not about sharing our thoughts. It’s about sharing our real truth—the only thing we actually can know—by expressing our personal feelings and needs. My “break-ups” Since my teenage years,…
This is meant for you if you recognize that self-love isn’t exactly a familiar part of your life. Perhaps you’re harder on yourself than you are on others. It may be hard to accept gifts or gratitude. You find it far easier to love others. You may even tire yourself out in pursuit of love from others, in order to fulfill your need. I’ve been trying…
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